i realised a few stuff over this past few days. mainly friendship. i know it is very cliche and all but i just gotta to say that friendship is so fragile. a wrong message can cause many misunderstandings. a small action can cause jealousy and worse tears. well at times we hate to admit how jealous we are of our friends. but i have grown to speak the truth. jealousy is not all that bad. it makes us realise how much the other person means to us. it is because how much this person meant to us that we are feeling such "evil" thoughts. perhaps its time to think it in another perspective. the more we feel close to a friend feelings of insecurity and jealousy grows. we dun realise why such feelings exist and at times it hurts not only the other person but ourselves too. i realise that at times we will dislike the feelings we are having. but we cant stop them, it is only human nature. but i have learnt not to run away from those feelings. face it, admit it and realise that its wrong. its only that we learn to grow out of it and be aware of ourselves more.
those tears we shed during times of disappointment and anger with our friends is because the realization that maybe we are losing it all. maybe those feelings are part of a friendship drifting apart. it is through those tears we recongnize how important this friend is to us. thats what happened when i those small puny tears flowed out of my eyes. i didnt know what was it that made me tear. i didnt want to admit that i was losing it. perhaps i just dunno how to handle it. i was quite lost. thinking i understood and knew it all all along was not true anymore. maybe i didnt understand and didnt know at all. i was afraid, uncomfortable and felt bad for my friend. she was innocent. she didnt know what the hell i was tearing for? what the hell she might have done wrong? i guess it is too much pressure on her. i feel bad for her. is it me sheltering her from all this pressure then? why is it that at times now that i feel that way? i guess there are always so many questions to ask and so little answers for them. what i should do now is trust. trust that every word of promise she gives is true. trust that our friendship is always as strong. trust that if i need help i just got to scream and she will be there. trust that if i was lonely in town she wld only be a phone call away. trust that if i need to buy shoes she will be there to walk with me and find the right pair for me. trust that deep down she does matter whats happening around her and that the stupid carefree self she puts in front of ppl is just her way of hiding her vulnearability. i wonder if i am right to say all this? she probably thinks i am thinking too much again. really?

right now back to boring life... starting to work again after the one week break i gave myself. work is bad. older people working at my place is bad. i dun get to talk until lunch time.. bad bad.. i have no friends at work. there is no one my age. what happened to the younger ones? and whats up with lagging computers? i probably could have finish my work so much faster if not for the slow slow slow computer. and then the many invoices. not my favourite thing to do. data entry. oh my gosh! how i wish i can like just blink my eye and everything is done. well it doesnt work in my world. *blink* yah its so boring that i am not gonna say anymore. the rest ya all can figure it out.

new blogskin if you have realised? all thanks to my sister. thanks cindy for like taking time off to help me find a blogskin and editing it for me. all thanks to you. credit goes to you.