i think i am kinda of losing the strength to decide on my own. my decisions are made because of the things and people around me. what has happened to the me last year? after all this schooling and all.. i realise i am moving not forward but backward. i start to think if this is the kind of life i want to have. and if not.. what am i gonna do? do i have to guts to step up and move away. to quit the kinda of fun others would admire? its so easy to say," why bother what others think?" probably i havent grown. i am still caught up in those teenage days. wait.. hold on.. i am still a teenager. just cause i am paying adult fare does not make me any less of a teen. i am still 18. probably all this are just passing phase. why worry and bother? so long as i am having fun thats all that matters. but am i having fun? i think i am. doing the usual stuff and all. but is this fun? i start to doubt the so called fun i am having now? is it all an illusion that people around me has come up with? what defines fun? is staying at home to watch your fav shows fun? is looking out of the window counting the stars shinning brightly fun? is talking to a long lost friend fun? what is fun? fun is like maybe hanging out with a few friends just eating steamboat together and laughing at the other people stealing our golden mushrooms.. fun is hanging out at starbucks and laughing at how people can look so weird at times.. fun is shopping with a friend who knows what you want.. fun is eating supper with your friends and get tease and scolded at.. all this fun.. i kinda of miss such simple fun. just laughing away and being myself. i guess i wanna go back to then. just enjoying the simple stuff.


when all things seem to fail and start crumbling in front of you, dun ever panick or give up. just stand up take the deepest breathe, feel your lungs with courage and stay strong. i realise at times of discouragement its no use being sad over it. probably just cry and mourn over it for a few hours and then stop.. wipe those silly tears away.. its no use shedding more tears.. instead look for ways to solve it and get out of it. i realise now that, its probably not the first step that is the most difficult but actually carrying out the plan and the process that is more tough. its suitations like this that makes people quit. i guess its all up to the determination one has. how i wish i could buy determination? that all could be easier...