another friday..so soon.. its scary how time is passing so quickly that i feel that i cant catch up somehow. had a horrible day on thurs. i didnt know how to cope with the little time i had and the heavy workload on me. i was worn out. felt like quitting. those moments of slience i had to myself were so important. "deep breath crystal deep breath" those were the words i said sliently to myself. forcing those feelings back in my system. food was horrible as well. guess in total all was just bad. however i got over it after a few hours of agony. i dunno if people around me cared. it was obvious they knew i was not myself. but none came to say anything to me. does being a good friend give you the excuse that u assume u know me well enough to know what i want. no one is to blame actually.. cos if i had really need someone i should have spoke up. however sometimes words arent needed to comfort someone. i know my church friends would step up and hug me so tightly as if that was their last. actually its time to realise that u can rely on no one except God and yourself. that everyone around you are just temporary beings. its sad but thats the fact. okkokk enough of the sad stuff

on wed took some class pics.. it was great having everyone gathered together to do smth. i just felt really happy. a class that i have spent less than 2 years with so far. but the countless experiences with each individual be it bad or good would be memories i would keep. thanks 04S14!! you will always be remembered.

drama.
my passion.
responsiblities.
my burden.
studies.
my stress.
friends.
my support.
coffee.
my drug.
water.
my greens.
school.
my laughter stress.
family.
my ---
God.
my life.


tired tired and tired. my week has been hectic. with drama coming up the stress is building and with prelims drawing closer extra stress is added on. i sometimes wonder what to do next cos i am so lost in this big maze with so many openings leading to different duties. just really feel like quitting and just be me. but i guess its hard to even recongnize myself now. i miss crystal. where is she anyway?

i have lost. i decided i will not continue with all this anymore. i have had enough. what you tell me was a clear indication for me to let go. the way we behave in front of each other told me that its never gonna be more than that. its so funny.. i knew it all along. but i still carried on with the hope of maybe maybe that the feelings would be the same. haha i am so so silly. how would it be the same? i am so dumb to trick myself and deceive myself all this while. well i have told myself to be stronger min by min, hour by hour, night by night. one day i will not need you. the way i didnt need him. well but will i regret the same way i did for the past few years. haha a repeat of my nightmare? has it come back to haunt me? i am so afraid that i hate to let go. after all its just a simple question of whether to let go or not? just answer it. i always had answers for my friends. when it comes to my own i just cant decide. how dumb how stupid sometimes we all can be. what seems like a dream was after all another nightmare. i had never guessed that you would be the one to replace him. its so werid how i always thought he was the one. but now that history is repeating itself.. who is going to make me forget you? to make me happy the way you did to make me laugh at myself to be the light in my life to comfort and tell me jokes? now that i am going to let ya go who is going to care? well now i just pray each night for courage to face the day tml for strenght to continue to smile and laugh to be able to concentrate on my work.

i had prayer meet today.. i guess it was good that i when.. after all that results and shit stuff happening i guess i needed some boost in my life.. and it came from my prayer meet..

sometimes i guess God doesnt really play a part in my life cos i am so caught up with other stuff that i tend to forget someone who is spiritually there but not physically there.i kinda of miss just praising him and forgetting everything else.. it felt really good.. its a whole diff kind of peace and happiness that reality cant buy..its a kind of thingy that is so diffcult to explain by words. i guess its when ya experience it ya would then get what i mean..

sometimes living in reality is so difficult.. coping with the stress then with the feelings woah.. so much there is to handle in such a short life.. sometimes i sit back and watch how people buzz around and worry about everything. thats when you realise that you arent the only one facing crazy problems each day.. so does billions of people have to cope with their problems. then i start to realise how lucky i am to not be rushing around, to have enough food to eat,to have clothes to wear, to have an education ,to have ppl ard me who care and love me... wow and many more blessings.. thats why we should love life.. i hope i am making sense..

hmmm.. i guess i am grounding myself for such bad results.. i will not be going out till after my As.. unless friend's birthday and church stuff.. yah so looks like it life is going to be boring for a while.. bye bye partying and hello studying.. sigh..

i cant take it. i am just overwhelmed by sadness. it is a sense of failure adding hopelessness. it wld not have mattered if i did not study. if i did not work hard. but i freaking work so hard. why is it so unfair? why is it that i could not get what i deserved? why is it i have to remember the familar taste of failure? why isnt it gone when i worked hard? so what if the whole world says its ok? i am still a failure. what if i did not have the capability to do it? that i am reaching beyond my stars? that all i have ever dreamed and aimed for was after all a bunch of crap? with such results you will be outcast. i just cant help blaming myself for my failure. after all who is there to blame. you studied and took the paper yourself. just admit that life is unfair. you dun ever sown what you seed. when the whole world congrats you on one particular paper.. you feel like shutting them up. i didnt even put in as much effort. the paper was just bascially easy! but i still have to realise that the other two subject i studied so hard for was useless.. why is it like that?

JIMMY EAT WORLD LYRICS
"Kill"
Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance? (chance?)
Or only one way that it was always meant to be (be)
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means (means)
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret

have you ever felt so lost ? have you felt so low? do you believe in angels? i do. they have been around me all the time. in my school in my home in my outside life in my church. they were all i need to keep me alive. angels.angels.angels

ok woah.. on fri night i hang out with my fantastic friends again.. i was at kbox.. haha then me ler and wen was there first.. woah woah woah.. it was major fun!!! we were singing our hearts out.. not until cherie and rach and rach's fam came.. we shy away immediately. haha but all it took was an hour before we got shameless again. singing like no one's business. around 2 am cherie rach and her fam left. so it was us to start off and end off haha it was pure madness. ler wanted to hear her songagain and again.. but it was damn fun!! cos we wanted to make full use of how much we paid. it was 30 freaking bucks. we had no more money to play after that day.. so we played like crazy.

then we sat at 7-11 eating sandwiches becos we were so broke and cant eat prata. sorry ler cant meet your zero!!! i was discussing with them about the random use of vulgarities.. its like why do people scold in hokkien? scolding each other's private parts? i mean dun they think its amusing to do that? haha scolding each other's vagina n penis?denthere is the word fuck which is often used.. why do people scold each other to go have sex? isnt having sex a nice thing? not that i have it before.. but ya whats up with that mans? so the next time when someone seems to be swearing and cursing in private parts and having sex just laugh at them!! cos its dumb!! haha how about going back to basics. scolding simple words like "stupid" "dumb" etc.. at least if you do that you would be getting your message across. no use trying to scold each other in weird language that doesnt even make sense.. it only shows how stupid you are!!!

so my days of fun is over. and my results should be out on tues. afraid i am and just not confident i wld get what i want. however what is done is done i just got to be perpared for the worst. there is no one to blame for my results. only myself to blame.i am just praying for the best. hoping that whatever that comes doesnt hit me hard.

back to my angels. i know they come and go. but during that special moment they have kept me alive with happiness. their smiles are unique and one of a kind. no one can replica or replace it. they need not be good and there all the times. i am just glad they were once in my life. that they have been the spirit for me when i am weak! thank you angels and love you all always. those near and far..

last night.. one tree hill was great as usual.. haha there were this song sang by michelle branch and jessica harp.. The Good Kind.. its a damn nice song.. thanks to ler i got the song too.. woah i guess that wld be my favourite song for a while.. hee hee.. i am home slacking away.. feeling sick again.. i am getting my flu virus back again.. damn it is like off and on.. so irritating.. probably cause i havent got enough sleep.. but yah i wanna it to go away.. to not come back.. shoo shoo.

finally exams are over.. back to my blog. k a quick fill up in what has happened before my exams and during my exams. k before my exams was just pure madness. i practically staying home for the whole hols to study. i didnt go town for the whole freaking hols. that is madness.. however its not as though i was studying 24/7 everyday.. i just stayed home.. i guess its the guilt thingy.. cos i know if i was to go out then i would feel guilty. haha but if i stayed home and not do work i wld feel lazy. its different. k so i admit i did slack here and there.. but i really did do some serious work. really wanted to try to get a C for all my subjects. however i think its quite impossible esp for my sciences. probably math i still can make it.. but chem and physics was total screw shit. well i guess i wasnt prepared. i could have did more work harder and play lesser. oh well i guess i have another chance. so ya work harder next time then.. oh the terror was physics paper. i was shivering through the last 15 mins of the paper.. damn scary.. i was still trembling after the paper. and the werid thing is i didnt know what i was so afraid. it just doesnt make sense to tremble for no reason. however it might be the aircon. haha so probably me thinking too much again.. i remember last year that i was hallucinating that there was someone behind me chasing after me while i was doing my math paper. i guess this is just part of crystal's crazy exam stress!!! haha well what can i say...

now is the excitng part!!! the after exams.. haha its just the second day since my exams were over... oh rather 3rd day since its pass 12am already.. anyways the first night i went out with my friends and just really let my hair down mans.. haha i was so happy to actually meet some of my friends that i hadnt seen for nearly a month.. haha cherie was telling me how much she miss hearing my voice.. that was just so so sweet.. me too missed my own voice.. cos when ya are studying at home alone there isnt much to talk about or to even talk to.. come to think of it.. i cant believe how quiet i have been for the past month.. it was like woah.. haha i guess part of crystal's exams strategies.. to talk less and rmb more.. haha well that one night of awesome fun was just fantastic.. i wanna say big thank you to eileen and dawn for being there to party too.. they probably could not stand the smoke smell and had to lie to their parents about going home late (opps) sorry mans.. but i really hope ya guys enjoyed yourself..and thanks to cherie , rachel and wen..you guys totally just made me feel so relax and destress me so much.. haha sounds weird but yeah!! you guys were the best.. cant wait to meet up with ler and han too.... tml tml we will party again.. today or rather yesterday i went out with dawn.. we did some shopping.. trying to get boxers for our friend's birthday present.. i mean its difficult to find boxers.. how troublesome.. haha well watched War Of The Worlds.. AWESOME !! that movie was one of the best movies i watched this year.. haha i guess probably cos i havent watched any movie for so long that just sitting at the theatre and enjoying a movie was awesome.. haha anyways that movie left me trembling inside... i tell you.. these days i keep trembling ..haha its damn weird.. maybe i am falling ill.. but that movie a bit scary.. i not going to leak anything out just for those who wld be watching it.. just imagine yourself in the same suitation but of cos not with tom cruise.. i mean not next to him.. you will just end up admiring him and not bother if the world is crumbling..(refering to girls and some guys.. ) hahaha

anyways i kinda of briefly said what has happened to me during the time i didnt blog.. haha i got to go chat with ler and wen before they start scolding me..